


If I Just Died

by despairmeguca (obsess97)



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Gen, Near Attempt, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-03
Updated: 2014-07-03
Packaged: 2018-02-07 07:44:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1890675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/obsess97/pseuds/despairmeguca
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"She asked me to stop her from becoming a witch, and she isn’t one now. If I can’t save her life once in fifty times, what are the chances that I’ll save her the next time? Or the one after that? She’s suffered enough, I don’t want to keep redoing her pain… Maybe it would… be for the best… if…"</p>
            </blockquote>





	If I Just Died

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah so I saw [this image](http://33.media.tumblr.com/5d97efaf50a610111bf34c25a22f53ae/tumblr_n0n8r5zVmv1rpvjbxo1_400.png) on Tumblr and i was somewhat inspired to write this
> 
> Homura my poor baby :c

She considered suicide, once.

It had only been about 40 or 50 timelines into her mission. Homura was trying not to be too threatening to the other girls these times. Her strategy was to befriend them so she would have an easier time getting Madoka to listen to her. But unfortunately she had redeveloped a connection with them. When she met them again and again in these new timelines, the compulsion to apologize to them nearly seized her, but she managed to stop herself. After all, she wasn’t doing any of this for their benefit. It was all for Madoka.

So the only reason she tried to keep Sayaka from meeting Kyouko and starting a feud with her was so Madoka would feel no need to contract. The reason she kept an eye on Madoka’s friends and family was so she wouldn’t contract. The reason she tried to keep Walpurgis a secret from her was so she wouldn’t contract. But she was so occupied with keeping the other girls human (if one could even call it that) and the normal humans safe that she didn’t even think of what would happen once the two justice-driven puellae were out of luck. During the fight with Walpurgisnacht, Mami had run out of magical energy and turned into Candeloro. By the time Homura noticed, Sayaka had put two and two together, and Homura could see the wheels spinning inside her blue head as her attacks became less powerful.  
When Candeloro drew near to Walpurgis and seemingly merged into it, Homura thought she had seen everything. But when a familiar shaped like Mami sprung from the witch, laughing hysterically and lashing out in pain, she felt her heart sink like a stone into her stomach. Apparently Sayaka felt the same, because the next instant she was screaming and then Oktavia was flinging barrels around and Homura could feel her panic level rising, but she didn’t want to reset the timeline again, she just didn’t, so she tried to keep fighting.

Walpurgis grew larger with the addition of Candeloro and Oktavia to itself, and it seemed to have gained the knowledge of the two magical girls. The Mami familiar would slash at her with streaks of murky blue light and the Sayaka one would thrust spears of the same light at Homura, preventing her from stopping time or accessing her guns, and all too soon she felt herself being crushed by rubble. She could barely move to reset the timeline, and a fresh wave of fear hit her. How would she go back for Madoka now?

A bright pink light answered her question.

Homura could only stare at the source of the light and hate herself for feeling grateful that Madoka had saved her.

It didn’t last long.

Madoka was on the ground, stone cold dead. Her soul gem, though not broken, was grey and devoid of any energy, grief or hope. The rain continued to pour down, but Walpurgisnacht was gone. Kyubey perched nearby, saying nothing, just staring. It had figured out already that the girl crumpled near Madoka’s body was a time traveler.

"What will you do?" It asked after a minute. Homura said nothing, just staring at Madoka’s body. "It’s too bad that she didn’t transform into a witch, she would have been a sight to see. But, I suppose it makes no difference to you at this point. You’re simply going to negate this timeline, correct?"

"… What’s the point of that?" Homura said numbly. "I’ve already tried, so many times, but she… she always dies." Kyubey tilted its head to the side. "I keep going back again and again, I just want her to be alright, but if she won’t listen to me, then how am I supposed to protect her?"

The silence surrounding her was heavy, accompanied by the sounds of raindrops hitting the puddles on the ground. Homura looked at her soul gem. She’d used up a lot of energy in this fight, so her gem was rather dim to begin with. And with the kind of thoughts going through her mind, she would turn into a witch soon if she didn’t do something. But she had no grief seeds. And worse, she didn’t think she wanted to try again. She could feel exhaustion weighing her bones down, she could feel the fresh grief over Madoka’s death tightening around her throat.

She reached into her shield, pulled out a gun, and aimed it up so that, if triggered, a bullet would pass through her skull by entering her chin and exiting her brain. She clutched it tightly, finger on the trigger, moving into a kneeling position so she would do the most damage in one shot. Kyubey’s ears perked up, and it straightened to attention. “What are you doing? Don’t you want to save Kaname Madoka?”

"Maybe not." she choked out, eyes squeezed shut. "She asked me to stop her from becoming a witch, and she isn’t one now. If I can’t save her life once in fifty times, what are the chances that I’ll save her the next time? Or the one after that? She’s suffered enough, I don’t want to keep redoing her pain… Maybe it would… be for the best… if…"

_If I just died?_

That memory snapped into her mind. The first time she was rescued by Madoka. She’d been considering suicide then, too, though the work of the witch enhanced it, but she likely would have gone through with it if Madoka hadn’t saved her.

It was the exact same thoughts she was having. _It would be better if I died._ Those were the thoughts that led to her friendship with Madoka. They changed her life, they made her who she was. Objectively, she should have been upset. After all, she was spending such a ridiculous amount of time and energy trying to save Madoka that her childhood had been stolen from right under her nose, and now she was only a shell of who she used to be. But since all she wanted was to save Madoka, she didn’t care what she became.

Her eyes snapped open. Kyubey was still watching her, saying nothing. Without giving it a second though, she flipped the gun so that it aimed at the Incubator and shot it 5 times. its body crumpled to the floor lifelessly, eyes still staring into space.

"That’s right. I don’t care what I become. I don’t care if I have to lose all of myself, all of my humanity, all of my sanity. I will save her. No matter what it takes. I will not kill myself before I save her. I owe her that much, for saving me."

She turned her shield.


End file.
